something's gotta give

this is something i wouldn't do everyday in singapore.
but here i am in NY doing it daily.
not expecting to do this on vacation, but i have too, i've no choice...
i'm commuting daily in NY, not to Manhattan, but to the county hospital.
Not for shopping as i've planned, but to visit my husband in ICU.
it has taken a toll on me and my daughter.. both of us tired after every visit..
tired of answering calls, listening to strangers telling us to be strong...
putting up appearances for relatives who suddenly declare themselves as family..
telling me what "family decision" is for now and trying to run my life...
i'm not enjoying this trip at all...
and this is not because of my hubby is sick, but because of the lies & empty promises
others make just to sound good and honorable.. as if!
i seriously do not know what to do next...
suddenly my life is on unchartered waters... and i have no map to guide me through...
my girl wants to go home, back to sgp... i feel that way too.
but i can't abandon my husband, and he will not comeback with us too...
we are just in different path right now and neither one wants to give up.
one day, but not today, we will have to make a decision...
it maybe painful, but necessary, to keep us both sane.
right now I'm TIRED.. seriously TIRED...

Where am I?

Where am I? I'm still in a dazed.
Landed in JFK, but cannot find my hubby.
Called him, he did not pick up the phone.
Then try again, finally he picked up, and then I looked up from fumbling with my coat and all, saw him walking slowly towards us.
He looked sick, very sick. He came with a friend to pick us up.
We quickly got into the car and left the airport.
Goodness, he looked really sick. He can't breathe, constantly panting and breathing hard, and coughed as if fighting for his breath.
Came back to a cold apartment. The central furnace is down, and the place is freezing.
I can't imagine living in cold apartment. I can't begin to imagine him living like this. But this is his reality.
I hate the situation now. He is sick, and now is admitted to Jamaica Medical Centre, down at VanWyck.
He grew thin, very thin. Just looking at him lying there in the hospital bed, I felt miserable, angry and very sick.
I hate him for putting us in this situation. I wish he would just come home with us.
As usual, it is out of the question, and is not a solution to him.
I just cannot pretend to understand him anymore. I'm tired of trying to make things work.
His family just looked at me in a bad light. None of them knew what is going on.
All they have to say is I have to stay with him, and I have no good reason to be away from him.
They cannot begin to understand what is going on. And I am not able to make them understand.
Only he can, and he won't.
Why is life so complicated? I tried and tried, and now I'm at my wits end to make this work.
God, please help me, please help us... If ever we are in Your sight, please do make things better.
I really can't see the light, and I'm really lost...
I really need Your help this time........

I'm Leaving on a Jetplane...

I'm leaving tonight, in exactly 22hrs...
I'm leaving with a heavy heart.
It seems a part of me is left behind, and i hate this feeling.
All i can see is the uncertainty waiting for me...

Why do i feel this way you might ask, well to cut the story short..
its becos of that one person...
I hate that one person, i can't and have nothing to apologize...
I'm trying very hard to not think, but it gets harder everytime..
I really wish for my life to be simple, but now its complicated...
I do what i can to control the situation, but that one person is like a vortex
that just pulls me in without me knowing or even moving...

I hate that one person, really, really hate that one person..
I really hope to dis-proof that one person's theory of life!!

Time to Move On

I think it's time to move on.

Somehow I feel abused, used, neglected and scorned.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's others. I don't know.

But maybe I'm selling myself short by tolerating these people.

That's why I feel it's time for me to move on.

Don't want to be at the losing end anymore.

That ole boring feeling

Ooh! I'm bored!

I slept all morning, woke up just to get me some breakfast, then fall asleep again.
Thank goodness my girl knows how to make her own breakfast.

I'm dead tired after a long week of hard work.

At the same time, I'm re-thinking abt my theory on my subordinates.
I guess that maybe I'm over-reacting or maybe my hormones make me go haywire.

And Friday morning I woke up with a smile on my face.
Had a "wonderful" dream. Very interesting, cos I end up looking forward to come to work.
What a way to start woke on Friday! Hmmm, yummy....!

Anyway, that's my secret.

Now I'm bored. Don't know what to do with all this time that I have.
Guess, I was so busy and getting used to the routine, now when I find myself with my own time I'm at lost!

So what did I do today?
Woke up at 2pm and did some chores.
Left home @3pm, settle my bill and then go Vivocity, with the intention to buy shoes.
Yeah! I got my shoes, very pretty and very high (2-1/2inches) wonderful shoes!!
Happy to get pretty shoes that I can fit at one try. What a booster to my ego.

Now I'm back home, still thinking about my super-sub, the distraction.
Wonder what 26yr old men do on weekends. He always tell me that he is a very boring guy,
just do boring things or sometimes not do anything at all.
I told him I have interesting things to do, but cannot do with him, hee!! Naughty girl!

Anyway, now I'm bored. I'm looking forward to work just to get "distracted", you know what I mean?

Hmm... my dreams..... Yummy!!!

Anger management

Angry, angry at men, at myself, my daughter, my parents, and my bosses.

I'm tired of trying to please them, while feeling like i'm losing myself.

I'm tired of having to take care of them, just to ensure that no one is let down!

I'm tired of having to smile while i'm crying inside!

I'm tired of feeling guilty for snapping at someone at work.

I'm tired of people telling me what to do as if I don't know what's best for myself.

I'm tired of keeping my emotion in check, so that others can trampled all over it.

I only got myself to blame, cos all these can only happen when I let it bother me.

I'm gonna start right now to not care, not bother and not please everyone.

It is time to take care of myself, once and for all.

I'm not a mat for everyone to step all over.

I'm gonna run my life the way I want it.

GET IT!?

What Tangled Web We Weave....

What's going on now? I don't know how to describe.
Firstly, a friend J and another friend A has stopped communicating whatsoever.
This friend J is hurt and baffled by what is happening and therefore asked me what's going on.

Uh, uh! I don't want to hurt anyone too, so i said that maybe the other friend is just busy and
has many things going at the same time.
Actually i know that the friend A is actually really busy and does have many things on his mind. And one of those "things" is me, he told me himself.
He is divided between what he wants and what he needs. Not me of course!
But in regards to me, as a friend and a boss.
He does not wish to leave the company, and he is pretty happy working together with me.
But he also knows that there is no prospect in the company. And he is getting restless, and I can sense it few days before he actually told me of his decision.
He still teases me by saying that he may not leave, but may leave earlier than me (whatever!!).
I was confused and upset. So I spoke to our friend J.

Friend J tried to console me, but somehow friend J becomes sensitive to friend A's behaviour.
She felt hurt that he did not confide in her, but instead confided in me only.
She also mention about how different friend A treats me and her.
I don't know what to say to J. I do not wish to hurt her feelings.
Yes, he may be utterly nice to me, in fact we are so close that many thought that he was my PA.
And this come straight from J. I'm not sure is she jealous or just being too sensitive.

I tried talking to her about it, but somehow it comes to the same conclusion, which is
"please enjoy the privilege you're getting while he is still around, okay!" I just don't want to get into the quarrel.
I'm upset but I can't tell J or A, as I don't want to make things worse.
I know A treats me well, but I'm also his boss.
I'm not saying that he is not sincere, but that he is really a nice guy, very handy and helpful to have around.
As much as i'll be on a losing end to lose him, i can't be selfish. I can't bring myself to be selfish, while keeping his ambition and dreams brushed to the side.

What a tangled web we weave, when colleagues become friends.
I have many to lose, and nothing to gain either way.

I think J is just hurt that she's not treated the same way that i'm being treated by A.
And A is also not making it easier for me. He has given me a different look now.
I catch him looking at me several times during a separate lunch (don't know why, but he didn't want to sit with us!)
He answers me with definite answers and while staring deeply into my eyes.
I can catch some glint and hint of smile during the meetings and discussion (as if we share secrets).
And he gave a fake smile while I joke around with the other guy-colleagues.
J notices all this, but she should know that I'm married and she is engaged, right!
We are in no position to be fighting over this guy!

As for me, I try my best to ignore his gazes and smiles, and his hints.
The only thing that I can make sense of all this is:-
his departure is due to me and maybe how he feels when he's around me.
I think he knows that it's NOT wise to stay around.
I'm not trying to flatter myself, but others have noticed the way he behaves around me.
Even my own daughter can see the difference the way he talks to J and the way he talks to me.

I do not wish to be in such position.
I just wish things were like before,
before all these complication sets in.
I wish he stays on and work with me.
I wish, I wish ....

Slip Sliding

Wheesh!! Slipped and fell.

Why you may ask, well .....

If I'm not careful I just might slip down that slope (the one everyone has been cautioning me about).
It's scary and exciting at the same time.
But this kind of thrill will not last and it is a very dangerous one, to begin with.
Anyway, I will try as hard as possible to hold myself back and not go down that slope.

I will, I can And I ..... OK, I will try hard.

i'm only human

It's been awhile since i blog.
I've been very busy with work and what-not.
I'm so tired to the core, that at times i need distraction.
Distraction I have is in the form of a younger subordinate.
And before you go wild with your thoughts, hold your horses.
Nothing fishy or funny is going on.

I just like to think (kind of delusional right now) that this young thing actually admire me as a strong, smart lady boss.
I know I'm flattering myself, well no one is doing it, so let me pacify myself.
You know the kind of feeling you get that someone is secretly watching you, but turn away as soon as you look at him. Well that's the look i'm getting.

I flatter myself by thinking that he admires me, hmmm.........
It's kind of funny, cos at times the conversation we have, can end up with some incoherent words that he mumbles under his breath.
And these words are not to be use lightly (they're not vulgar either), and that makes me wonder what's going on.

Just like the other day, while I was editing his SOP, I told him to do such and such to be clear with the instructions.
His reply was, "never mind, don't care lah, I don't care but I _ you!"
The moment it slip out his mouth, I turn and asked him to repeat.
He replied that it's gone with the wind.
I don't understand it at times, cos he is a brazen fella, who speak up against anyone, even the bossy old manager.
But when it comes to me, he will mumble and speak under low voice,
like trying to, i don't know, conceal his feelings.
He will do things like taking time to wait for me, and get me all kinds of songs i like.
He is patient with me and indulges my incessant talking & nagging, and at times, scolding.
I told him not to butter me up, but he says it's becos "you're beautiful" (and singing it).
I used to blush when he does that, but nowadays I try to get him to talk it out.
But all i'm met with is a wall of chinese songs (sung by him, of course!)

The last few days have been different at work. No distraction cos he's gone for ICT.
So for the next 2.5 weeks I have to bear the hectic days without my distraction to help me get through the long days.
I have other minor distractions, but they are really good friends & subordinates who cheer up my days.
But i miss my distraction, Andreiyevgeny.
Cos' I'm only human.

Changes, again ....

Last week, I was told I'll be getting a new boss.
This is just another layer between me and my manager.
This fella which I knew from my first job in production is gonna be
my boss, again.
I was feeling excited, happy, anxious and worried all at once.
This is becos I've been used to running the show with minimal supervision from my manager.
Basically, I was worried cos I know that this fella is a hands-on mgmt.
He will go down to the floor just to get the sentiment & mood of the people.

And guess what is the message he has for us?
He was told by the GM that our morale has been badly hit due to constant criticism and finger pointing.
What he didn't know is that all this is thanks to my current boss (who is the most pessimistic & the worst critic of all)!!!
These negative inputs were coming from the horse's mouth.
We didn't see ourselves in such a light and we're all surprised that we are viewed as such.

And so that was the first meeting we have with this fella.
I ended the day feeling very low, as I felt that we are no good to the extend that the GM has to assign another layer of mgmt so that we can get the job done
And I thought we were doing a good job (many people have been telling us so).

And so once again we end up having another organisation change.
Another layer of reporting and crap....
But I have to look at the bright side, maybe GM is thinking that he needs to protect us from our over-bearing manager, and thus he send this fella to shelter us from the constant negative energy that has been pouring on us.
Maybe GM knows & can see that the manager is not supporting us enough, and that he is dragging our morale down the drain instead ... maybe... maybe ...... wishful thinking!!!
I think, maybe I can convince myself to accept that explanation.
I WILL accept that explanation.
Now I have to convince my new boss to allow us to eat in the office.. heee.....!!!
What next??????

Funny.....

Today, while exiting the main office, as usual the security guard stopped us to check the car.
So we were waiting for him to pop the boot, but he walked to the front and tried to pop the hood instead.
I looked at my colleague and he looked back.
We were both wondering what this fella was trying to do.
We signalled to him, but he didn't noticed. So my colleague honked him.
He looked up with a blur face. We pointed to the back of the car.
He looked more confused and start walking to my side of the car.
We wind down the window and told him the boot is at the back.
He still looked confused.
Then suddenly it strike him that the boot IS at the rear of the car, thus he walked to the back.
But then he was struggling, unable to open the boot.
He don't know where the handle is!
When he finally got it, he opened and shut the boot door immediately.
We drove off, laughing our heads all the way back to East office.
Funny!!!!

That Light-headed feeling

Today, my lightheaded-ness return.
I was gigglish, cracking jokes, and simply get carried away with myself.

Started the day with getting my hubby to call me at work.
This is to proclaim that I'm still married, and happily at it, too.
Don't know why, but I had to do this once in a while.
So my hubby called at the precise time that I instructed, and I started
the day at work flirting with my hubby on the phone for ~30mins.

After that, somehow I sensed that the mood at work was more relaxed.
The flirtatious young guy was a bit muted.
I guess he was eavesdropping on my conversation with my hubby.
I got a sense of relief that I finally feel not stupid anymore, after yesterday's blunder.

My dearest hubby, very attentive when we're far apart.
He listens to my complains, my neurotic thoughts, even my very, very
naggy moods don't turn him off.
I guess distance makes him very patient.

My light-headed ness started when suddenly I was invited for lunch,
and then again for tea-break.
I was trying to act cool, not wanting to show this fella my grin from ear to ear... heee!
It's not that I have feelings for him, it's just that it's flattering to have
someone giving me his full attention.
Actually I've been getting spoilt by the guys at work.
I don't know if its becos of my position or becos I'm the only female around.
I'm not trying to take advantage of my position.
But it's fun when these guys pamper me around.
Really feel like the Queen bee.
My hubby says its because I'm the Queen among the Kings.
I called it Queen among the subjects....heee... very cruel........!!

I guess the guys don't mind.
I don't order them around much, most of the work comes effortlessly
when people are willing to walk the ground with you.
I guess that's why I'm feeling light-headed at work.
It is knowing that your people trust you and know that you are listening
and having their interest at heart and sincerely care for them.
I'm glad I win over their trusts.
It really makes my work easier.
Anyway ...
You can't be a leader if you have no one to lead.

Temptation vs Age

Recently, i've started to receive some nice praises at work.
Not from my Boss, but from one of the subs.
Naturally, i try my best to be humble (i am humble, lah!).
I told him not to 'polish my boots', cos' i'm not that kind of person.
But, as usual, it falls on deaf ears.
As days go, it gets pretty hard to ignore, b'cos it gets flirtatious at times.
As you know, these single guys feel 'safe' flirting with married women, cos
they think that we're happily married.
But we women are also human with feelings, therefore, when the mood is right
(or in this case, WRONG) some how we get swayed by all these unwanted attentions.
So this guy, who is 10yrs younger than me, ask me if i wanted to catch James Blunt's gig
in May, I nearly flipped!!!
Yah, all those attention was fun, but I seriously doubt if he actually went too far.
I should not flatter myself, cos this guy may only be thinking of me as an older 'sister'
and nothing else. But i really nearly jump out of my skin.
Then I realised that he meant whether I want some tickets as he is going to buy some for
himself and his friends.
Lo!!! And I thought I still have it!! HEEeeee. The joke is on me....!!!!????????

Anyway, I'm not going to some gig where there are young people jumping up and down,
while old me, just trying to focus my poor eyesight on James Blunt...
So pathetic.
I didn't know how old I feel until last Sat, when I walk thru Clarke Quay, and totally
felt out of place.
The last time I pass through that place, it was maybe 5 yrs back.
But somehow, i've aged. Maybe mature, lah, ha!
Never in my life I felt so old and so out of place.

Well, like the title of this blog, temptation is everywhere,
but age is always there to remind us of how old we are.
Well my birthday is coming.
But it really feels like deathday is coming nearer too.. heee heee!!!!

Sticky Matter

Some sticky matter that I had to overcome during the last few weeks.
I didn't intend to write about it, somehow I had to, just to relieve the tension.

1) I hate going to JB. I don't like the feeling of being alone in that country.
It's not that I'm alone ( I have my daughter with me).
It's just that I miss my hubby, cause we use to do this together.
I don't like being reminded that he's away.
My parents, esp. my mom, sometimes try to get me to send them to JB or KT.
I don't like it. Then when I refuse, I will start to feel guilty and pressured by my conscience.
I hate that. I hate to be forced to do something I really cannot do.
They don't seem to understand.
I have to be in the right set of mind to go to somewhere that I'm trying to avoid.
And this "somewhere" is my feeling of loneliness & helpless-ness.
THEY just don't get it!

2) At work, we are currently busy with Budget, and yet somehow I'm stuck with it alone.
It does not help that there are 2 person to do the job.
It does not help when the other fella who does not know how to do the job,
but somehow do not even have the interest to learn it.
And it does not help when my boss himself complains to me about this other fella.
Hey look Boss, we are both your subordinates.
I have no right to tell him off for you.
You have every right to do it yourself, without confiding in me of your trouble with him.
And it is really unfair when you end up loading everything on me, just cos' you can't get your other subordinate to do the work.
I'm tired of the excuses such as, I don't know, I'm not production man, I'm busy with other projects (SMT, etc).
Look, just because I let you (the other fella) get away with not doing the monthly planning and everything else with production, that does not mean you don't have to do the work FOREVER!!!!
Wake up!! Your upgrading is not based on your merits, but it is out of pity sake!
Can't you get the hint when the boss say he cannot promote you cos you're not doing any production work! Get it?

3) Aahh!!! The fights at home. The struggle between the young and the old.
My daughter whacked my dad on the head the other day.
She was angry with him for asking the same question too many times
and then doubting her answer.
He kept repeating and doubting her till she got very pissed and she hit him on the head with a piece of cardboard.
Then she got into quarrel with me, and that's when she slapped my hand.
I was shocked! Then my mom told me of what she did to my dad. I was furious with her.
But then mom told me that he was taunting her as usual, and making my girl very angry.
So i told my dad to stop doing such things cos it makes my daughter to be rude to him instead.
He shouted at me and said things that were totally unrelated but personal.
He didn't have to mention those things, but then as usual he blurted out things whenever he's angry.
So, I controlled my temper, punished my daughter, and stopped talking to my dad altogether.
I had to. I don't wish to be rude to him, and I don't want to go into a shouting match with him.
So I put a stop to everything.
Everyone has to be punished; for my daughter by taking her PSP & handphone.
As for my dad by stop talking to him.
I've done my part to keep the balance between the young and the old.
Guess what, it's the middle-aged me who nearly go crazy!!!!

I'm stuck.
I feel like Homer Simpson, hanging on a rope and being flung between a rock and a hard place.