Time to Move On

I think it's time to move on.

Somehow I feel abused, used, neglected and scorned.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's others. I don't know.

But maybe I'm selling myself short by tolerating these people.

That's why I feel it's time for me to move on.

Don't want to be at the losing end anymore.

That ole boring feeling

Ooh! I'm bored!

I slept all morning, woke up just to get me some breakfast, then fall asleep again.
Thank goodness my girl knows how to make her own breakfast.

I'm dead tired after a long week of hard work.

At the same time, I'm re-thinking abt my theory on my subordinates.
I guess that maybe I'm over-reacting or maybe my hormones make me go haywire.

And Friday morning I woke up with a smile on my face.
Had a "wonderful" dream. Very interesting, cos I end up looking forward to come to work.
What a way to start woke on Friday! Hmmm, yummy....!

Anyway, that's my secret.

Now I'm bored. Don't know what to do with all this time that I have.
Guess, I was so busy and getting used to the routine, now when I find myself with my own time I'm at lost!

So what did I do today?
Woke up at 2pm and did some chores.
Left home @3pm, settle my bill and then go Vivocity, with the intention to buy shoes.
Yeah! I got my shoes, very pretty and very high (2-1/2inches) wonderful shoes!!
Happy to get pretty shoes that I can fit at one try. What a booster to my ego.

Now I'm back home, still thinking about my super-sub, the distraction.
Wonder what 26yr old men do on weekends. He always tell me that he is a very boring guy,
just do boring things or sometimes not do anything at all.
I told him I have interesting things to do, but cannot do with him, hee!! Naughty girl!

Anyway, now I'm bored. I'm looking forward to work just to get "distracted", you know what I mean?

Hmm... my dreams..... Yummy!!!

Anger management

Angry, angry at men, at myself, my daughter, my parents, and my bosses.

I'm tired of trying to please them, while feeling like i'm losing myself.

I'm tired of having to take care of them, just to ensure that no one is let down!

I'm tired of having to smile while i'm crying inside!

I'm tired of feeling guilty for snapping at someone at work.

I'm tired of people telling me what to do as if I don't know what's best for myself.

I'm tired of keeping my emotion in check, so that others can trampled all over it.

I only got myself to blame, cos all these can only happen when I let it bother me.

I'm gonna start right now to not care, not bother and not please everyone.

It is time to take care of myself, once and for all.

I'm not a mat for everyone to step all over.

I'm gonna run my life the way I want it.

GET IT!?

What Tangled Web We Weave....

What's going on now? I don't know how to describe.
Firstly, a friend J and another friend A has stopped communicating whatsoever.
This friend J is hurt and baffled by what is happening and therefore asked me what's going on.

Uh, uh! I don't want to hurt anyone too, so i said that maybe the other friend is just busy and
has many things going at the same time.
Actually i know that the friend A is actually really busy and does have many things on his mind. And one of those "things" is me, he told me himself.
He is divided between what he wants and what he needs. Not me of course!
But in regards to me, as a friend and a boss.
He does not wish to leave the company, and he is pretty happy working together with me.
But he also knows that there is no prospect in the company. And he is getting restless, and I can sense it few days before he actually told me of his decision.
He still teases me by saying that he may not leave, but may leave earlier than me (whatever!!).
I was confused and upset. So I spoke to our friend J.

Friend J tried to console me, but somehow friend J becomes sensitive to friend A's behaviour.
She felt hurt that he did not confide in her, but instead confided in me only.
She also mention about how different friend A treats me and her.
I don't know what to say to J. I do not wish to hurt her feelings.
Yes, he may be utterly nice to me, in fact we are so close that many thought that he was my PA.
And this come straight from J. I'm not sure is she jealous or just being too sensitive.

I tried talking to her about it, but somehow it comes to the same conclusion, which is
"please enjoy the privilege you're getting while he is still around, okay!" I just don't want to get into the quarrel.
I'm upset but I can't tell J or A, as I don't want to make things worse.
I know A treats me well, but I'm also his boss.
I'm not saying that he is not sincere, but that he is really a nice guy, very handy and helpful to have around.
As much as i'll be on a losing end to lose him, i can't be selfish. I can't bring myself to be selfish, while keeping his ambition and dreams brushed to the side.

What a tangled web we weave, when colleagues become friends.
I have many to lose, and nothing to gain either way.

I think J is just hurt that she's not treated the same way that i'm being treated by A.
And A is also not making it easier for me. He has given me a different look now.
I catch him looking at me several times during a separate lunch (don't know why, but he didn't want to sit with us!)
He answers me with definite answers and while staring deeply into my eyes.
I can catch some glint and hint of smile during the meetings and discussion (as if we share secrets).
And he gave a fake smile while I joke around with the other guy-colleagues.
J notices all this, but she should know that I'm married and she is engaged, right!
We are in no position to be fighting over this guy!

As for me, I try my best to ignore his gazes and smiles, and his hints.
The only thing that I can make sense of all this is:-
his departure is due to me and maybe how he feels when he's around me.
I think he knows that it's NOT wise to stay around.
I'm not trying to flatter myself, but others have noticed the way he behaves around me.
Even my own daughter can see the difference the way he talks to J and the way he talks to me.

I do not wish to be in such position.
I just wish things were like before,
before all these complication sets in.
I wish he stays on and work with me.
I wish, I wish ....

Slip Sliding

Wheesh!! Slipped and fell.

Why you may ask, well .....

If I'm not careful I just might slip down that slope (the one everyone has been cautioning me about).
It's scary and exciting at the same time.
But this kind of thrill will not last and it is a very dangerous one, to begin with.
Anyway, I will try as hard as possible to hold myself back and not go down that slope.

I will, I can And I ..... OK, I will try hard.