something's gotta give

this is something i wouldn't do everyday in singapore.
but here i am in NY doing it daily.
not expecting to do this on vacation, but i have too, i've no choice...
i'm commuting daily in NY, not to Manhattan, but to the county hospital.
Not for shopping as i've planned, but to visit my husband in ICU.
it has taken a toll on me and my daughter.. both of us tired after every visit..
tired of answering calls, listening to strangers telling us to be strong...
putting up appearances for relatives who suddenly declare themselves as family..
telling me what "family decision" is for now and trying to run my life...
i'm not enjoying this trip at all...
and this is not because of my hubby is sick, but because of the lies & empty promises
others make just to sound good and honorable.. as if!
i seriously do not know what to do next...
suddenly my life is on unchartered waters... and i have no map to guide me through...
my girl wants to go home, back to sgp... i feel that way too.
but i can't abandon my husband, and he will not comeback with us too...
we are just in different path right now and neither one wants to give up.
one day, but not today, we will have to make a decision...
it maybe painful, but necessary, to keep us both sane.
right now I'm TIRED.. seriously TIRED...

Where am I?

Where am I? I'm still in a dazed.
Landed in JFK, but cannot find my hubby.
Called him, he did not pick up the phone.
Then try again, finally he picked up, and then I looked up from fumbling with my coat and all, saw him walking slowly towards us.
He looked sick, very sick. He came with a friend to pick us up.
We quickly got into the car and left the airport.
Goodness, he looked really sick. He can't breathe, constantly panting and breathing hard, and coughed as if fighting for his breath.
Came back to a cold apartment. The central furnace is down, and the place is freezing.
I can't imagine living in cold apartment. I can't begin to imagine him living like this. But this is his reality.
I hate the situation now. He is sick, and now is admitted to Jamaica Medical Centre, down at VanWyck.
He grew thin, very thin. Just looking at him lying there in the hospital bed, I felt miserable, angry and very sick.
I hate him for putting us in this situation. I wish he would just come home with us.
As usual, it is out of the question, and is not a solution to him.
I just cannot pretend to understand him anymore. I'm tired of trying to make things work.
His family just looked at me in a bad light. None of them knew what is going on.
All they have to say is I have to stay with him, and I have no good reason to be away from him.
They cannot begin to understand what is going on. And I am not able to make them understand.
Only he can, and he won't.
Why is life so complicated? I tried and tried, and now I'm at my wits end to make this work.
God, please help me, please help us... If ever we are in Your sight, please do make things better.
I really can't see the light, and I'm really lost...
I really need Your help this time........

I'm Leaving on a Jetplane...

I'm leaving tonight, in exactly 22hrs...
I'm leaving with a heavy heart.
It seems a part of me is left behind, and i hate this feeling.
All i can see is the uncertainty waiting for me...

Why do i feel this way you might ask, well to cut the story short..
its becos of that one person...
I hate that one person, i can't and have nothing to apologize...
I'm trying very hard to not think, but it gets harder everytime..
I really wish for my life to be simple, but now its complicated...
I do what i can to control the situation, but that one person is like a vortex
that just pulls me in without me knowing or even moving...

I hate that one person, really, really hate that one person..
I really hope to dis-proof that one person's theory of life!!