Count my Blessings

I went through hell on Friday. While on my assignment in the explosion proof building, the fire alarm went off. The foreman and supervisor and me all looked at each other and realise that something big is happening. Prior to this, no alarm went off to signal that system was out of control. Therefore the alarm must mean flash fire beyond control.
When we stepped out of the control room, we saw the boys running out of the changing room, still in their cleanroom uniform. They were shouting "Get out!!! Fire, Fire!!" Foreman Z rush into the C/R to check the situation. What he saw was thick black smoke coming from the 2nd Floor vestibule. He rushed down and out of the building. I was standing at the corridor when I saw foreman Z. Then I went out and looked for the smoke trace. I found it was coming from the upper floors only. I told the Facility guys, and then I left the building to check on the boys.
They were shocked and disorganised. I told them to do headcount, and they start to organise themselves. They were hysterical, and I had to command them to calm down. We confirmed that everone was out.
Then the fire trucks and rhinos arrived, followed by the police. The fire extinguishing system was auto released within 30 secs of the alarm. The fire was put out before the emergency unit arrived. But then there were still dark smoke coming out from the top. The Fire fighters went in to check and clear the building. No one was trapped inside, and no one was injured.
The top mgmt came within few minutes of the fire activation. I can see from their face the dollar signs moving in their head. This is terrible. I felt responsible cause I was the most Senior person in the Bldg when it happened.
Could I have done more, even though I was there as Mgmt Support for them? Would it be any different if had the foreman still be in the Prod area instead of the Control room where I was conducting the 5S exercise? Foreman Z could have saved the day if he was in the Prod area. Maybe he could not? Maybe the fire was too big that he tried, but could not save himself then, cos he is too brave. Maybe, he managed to put out the fire and stop the Fire Ext. System? May be, maybe, maybe.....
I have all this questions & guilt feelings, like more could have been done. Was there more can be done? I stood there looking at the smoke coming out. I looked at the boys, and realised that there was more than myself involved in this. I pity the boys, they did their best, but the blame will go to them.
I could not do more but wonder. The whole episode runs through my head again and again. I can't get it out of my system. These few days I try to find refuge, by going out with my daughter, meeting my sister to talked it out.
I have to put things in perspective. I should be glad that no lives were loss. Walls and ceilings can be fixed. No machines or equipment were destroyed. Only the facade of the Prod area were affected. Apparently, the boots and rags that caught fire were the source of the black smoke. The Fire Extinguishing system was working fine. It stopped the Fire from spreading, and the building from exploding. None of the Safety system was breached in the Fire. I have to count my blessings. What was done cannot be undone. I have to count my blessings right now.

Me Shy?!!

I've never been called the shy type. I've always been the outspoken, noisy, rowdy, the 'High I' type kind of person. But sometimes i switch roles, especially when I'm in my prodn meeting where I'm the only lady there. You know, men strut their stuffs as long as there are women (no matter how unattractive or manly the woman can be) around. Sometimes, I get sick looking at these men stretching their muscles, uncompromising and displaying the 'look at me' peacock syndrome. But what to do, I'm a woman in a MEN's world.
Sometimes, I get egoistic too, cos' i feel proud for being where I am right now. Guess some of the testosterone rub on me.
But funny how I shut up when I'm in a meeting. Just last week, I had to behave like a dumb bloke, eer, blonde! All because of I had to pretend that I did not actually do the work, cos I was only supporting the new fella. But I had to swallow my comments cos' I can't make my junior look stupid infront of the boss. If he look stupid, then I look stupid, too. Anyway, it was satisfying to know that secretly you are superior than them (MEN).
I really hate those Seniors who shoots down their Juniors in front of the boss. They actually feel GREAT abt it. But what i see is stupidity on their part, cos it shows that they did not check the Juniors' work before presenting to the boss. Then they show off their 'Superior' skill exactly after the Boss commented that Juniors' work is sub-standard. They nod along and agree to the Boss. But the Boss is not fooled by this. The Boss is just pleased to know that he's working with a bunch of 'Aye-sayers'. Anyway that's male testosterone, for you!
Me, I just pretend to be shy and a bit dumb. Somehow the big Boss is please with my work, and I receive my promotion recently. Guess how things work? That's exactly how I work. I don't talk much, but the result shows. My line is so far the examplary line whenever the Boss mention 5S. Good eh? I'm very Happy, you know.
Errr. I can smell the male hormone coming out from my arm pit! Urgh!!!!

what's up (or down)

Hi, funny that I had a tailspin after I wrote my first blog. I went crazy and restless, and so obvious that I frightened my junior staff. But now I'm ok.
I miss my daughter, she's at my sis place camping with her cousins. She's very happy
and excited to be with them. Guess, she feels lonely alone at home.
I spoke to my hubby. I wish that he could afford to take care of us.
I don't like to be away from him.
I miss him alot.
I'm afraid to take chances. I'm so comfortable with my life that I'm afraid of letting go
and tryout new life.
It is a big gamble to just let go, but sometimes I can't take it being alone and away
from him. I need a shoulder to lean on. I'm tired of being strong,
and being the strength for others. For once I want to be the one
in need.

what's left of it

That should be the title of my biography, if I have one. The problem is I don't think I need one, cos I know out there, there are others worse off than me. Grateful to be alive, and yet grateful to know that my life is not gonna be a long one either. Right now, I'm juggling life as much as I can cope daily. Knowing that your time is almost up can make you see things in better perspective, or at least, in a different perspective. Others have told me that only Almighty knows our birth, life partner & death. These are the secret of the universe that is beyond our control. And yet when you are in the know of your life expectancy, it feels liberating. Finally I'm out of the clutches of the unknown. But I'm sad for one thing, my beautiful daughter.
She will be the only regret in my death. She's the only guilt trip that I allow myself to have.
I can only wish that she will be able to handle it when my time comes.
I know she will have to learn to cope with life and whatever that life throws at her. But I also know that she can only be sad for a while because I have prepared her for this.
I dont indulge in self pity. Actually I hate the word 'pity'. It is such a hopeless word.
It is a word which I strongly avoid in my daily conversation with others.
You know, there are many pityful souls out there who sees life in minute details, such as spoiled oranges in the supermarket, stepping on spilt ice cream, and such. Well it is a pity that they are not able to appreciate life fully. Getting angry on insignificant things is such a waste of life.
My own sisters did not appear for my wedding (that was years ago), and yet I'm still talking to them. To each his own, and if that's what makes them happy at that time, so be it.
Life is too short for me to fret over such things.
My mom wonders why I am okay with it, well it is something that I chose to do.
I told her that I chose to be happy, and stay close and comfortable with my siblings. I'm sure they have their reasons, but I don't need to know. I chose to stop counting deeds (whether good or bad). Cos, in the end, what matters is that I am happy while I'm alive. So what's left of it, is what I'm chose to make good of it.
Some may not understand, I should take sides they say. I should be angry, I should be upset. There are a whole list of 'should' things that was handed on my plate. But guess what? I chose to live, and forgive. Forget is harder (a whole different blog can be dedicated to this subject alone).
Cos remember, Life is about living, the big picture, forget about fretting on minute details.
Go out there and LIVE!