what's going on?

yup, it's been 1 full month since the last entry.
been kinda busy with life & work.
now, i need time to just recollect & reflect what has passed.

now, work is a breeze, though still high risk.
but we're getting along fine, the boys & me.
had to put my foot down for few instances, but then they
know i mean business when it comes to work.
all else is okay.

i feel grateful, truly grateful that i'm still managing my life fine.
i visited people during festive seasons, and realise how truly blessed
my life is.
i also felt humbled by the courage of my aunt who's still living
with liver cancer. i felt hapless watching another relative, dying of lung cancer.
it was a deep contrast.
the aunt is a poor lady in her sixties, living in an old flat, widowed, and taking care of her sickly father. her children, 2 boys, aged 20 and 21, still living with her.
she tells me that sometimes she don't have money to pay for medicines,
and the doctor is telling her to go for further treatments.
the doc gave her 6 mths to live, and that was a year ago.
I felt humbled by her courage. she still keep the house running on whatever
little money that she has. and she still smiling and laughing.
i know that smile, and i know the sadness behind that laughter.
and i also know that we should not surrender until our last breath.
she asked if me and my sis are fine, we answered yes.
i don't wish to bog her down with details.
afterall, i was visiting, she's supposed to be the one needing cheering up.

the other lady i met is a younger one, @ forty. she has 3 kids, living in a big house
and have both parents healthy enough to take care of her.
she is weak from the pain & post op. she has everything, a loving husband,
2 grownup kids, both independent, and the last 1 still in pri. school.
her days are numbered, but then filled with love by her family, cousins and friends.
she has a resigned look on her face, it was sad to see her like this.
she was vibrant, and sweet. but now she's frail, and she looks so sad.
i guess it's b'cos she has a lot going for her, good things, like family and love ones.
and that's why she desperately trying to live, but with the death look in her eyes.

it was irony, the one who possess little and living meagrely is still living, and
smiling and not surrendering to the pain & sadness.
and yet, the one with everything going for her is surrendering and dying
painfully.
i wonder which road i'll be going. my time has not come to suffer yet.
i know it's inevitably near, but i can't go the other way.
I refuse to be the one who surrenders and die.
I want to exit this life, "alive" & kicking.
Will I be able to? only Allah knows!