what's left of it

Out with the Old ....

2011-01-13T13:07:00.004+08:00

We came back from NYC on the 3rd Jan.

I am still jetlag from the long flight home.

But I'm sure that it is more from the long pause from my daily routine.

Very happy to see my cats are still alive and actively ambushing Ginny, the oldest cat.

Mom and Dad are still squabbling as usual (old routine).

My girl was so excited about school that she can't sleep.

We were both awake at 1am in the morning!

Anyhow, with the old routine right smack on my face,

I started work, reluctantly, on the 4th Jan.

It felt like I had been gone a long while, instead of 2+ weeks.

Seems kind of weird settling into the whole home-work-home routine.

And even weirder, was the weekend; sleep-late, home all day, sleep-even-later, & weekend's over!

So with all this daily old routine, I had a small new year resolution.

I need to break such routine, especially the weekend ones!

Should get myself back to squash, or swimming, or some kind of exercise routine.

Also, should do less sleep-late routine and sleep-even-later routine.

I should also make time to pamper myself with all those beauty products that I bought in NY.

(for what, I don't know?)

Anyway, let's see if I manage to do all of the above.

And maybe, by mid-year, I can safely say that I've break the old routine for a newer me!

Wheee!!!

Uniq-lo!!!

2010-11-08T11:47:00.007+08:00

We went shopping over the holiday weekend.

It was fun, and me and my little girl got some good bargains.

We were at ION when we stumbled upon this shop - Uniqlo.

I've been wanting to visit this shop cos I heard that they carry good affordable clothes.

So off we went in, and we were not disappointed.

All in all we spent @$200. But we had a total of 8pcs.

My girl got her lovely winter fleece jacket for $59, and its worth it.

We bought several thermal wears for around $10 each.

If Singapore has winter, I would have bought more.

But since it is not, I was forced to curb my spending.

Anyway, it is not a bad shopping trip.

Now, no more shopping, until we reach New York.

Then we will go for a 2-weeks shopping spree!! Wheee!!

(so glad that S$ is getting stronger against the US$.... wheee again!!!)

Escapism

2010-10-08T09:21:00.004+08:00

Listening to the lyrics of a song going..

"If I could I follow you, if I could..."

exact sentiment of my current state of mind.

The only question that follows is "who is 'you'?"

Burnt in my brain, the pain of betrayal and lies,

and I never understood why, the reasons behind it all.

And now, at this juncture, situations to my left and right so dismal.

I can't look at the past without questioning my decision for the future.

Somehow, I have to decide... hopefully not now.

But there is no escape, the decision has to be made.

Yes, to take steps to correct the wrong, the path is walled with thorns.

The ground is filled with amber coals, some ashes and burning fires.

It is never easy.

Life is such that after going through the pain, Life reaps new meaning.

Yes, the light at the end... so bright and so blinding.

I have yet to decide which path to take, left, right, front and back.

And with no guiding hands to help me choose, I'm left with a hollow heart...

But like what the song said, if I could follow I would...

I have no guts, no strength to leave my life in your hands right now...

I'm still cowering in my corner, wishing I could escape from all this.

Cat-pee-lah!!

2010-09-29T11:42:00.002+08:00

Teddyboy, the youngest in the gang is down with FLUTD.

FLUTD, what's dat??

Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disease.

Not contagious, induced by food, or stress, or dirty litter, or simply idiopathic (unknown) means.

History:

3 weeks back he had this, and was put on antibiotic for 10days.

He recovered and was bouncing around within 3 days.

Last Saturday, he started the out-of-litterbox routine again.

He was crouching and straining himself on everything else, carpets, toilet floor, kitchen mats,

and everywhere else, however to no effect.

So Sunday morning I rushed him to Mt Pleasant Emergency, only to be told that the doc is not available until after 8.30am. And the charges for emergency consultation will be $267!!

So off we went to AMK vet, and by 9.30am he was seen and then warded.

We took him back from the vet on Monday night, he looked miserable.

He still has bloody urine and is not able to pee properly.

We have to administer drips daily and also unplug his urinary catheter daily.

I can't sleep, can't eat and can't rest, just worrying about him.

He looks so weak and refuses to eat. He only drinks a bit of water.

Poor Teddy, we're trying our best here...

Even Nyai has taken turn to take care of him in the day while I'm at work.

My little girl takes care of him once she's home from school.

All of us taking turns to care for him, round-the-clock.

I hope he knows how much we love him!!

Though this may sound funny, I pray to God that Teddy can pee again!!

Hair, Wear & Tear...

2010-09-24T10:54:00.002+08:00

I have a long love-hate relationship with my hair.

Either it is too short or too long, too thick or too baldy,

too-whatever-is-the feeling-of-that-moment.

The last few weeks I felt so bored with myself, felt old and miserable.

I was too tired to pay attention to my hair until I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday.

Gosh! I look so beaten, haggard and tired.

But then, I got inspired to get a cute haircut.

Heavy top and thin bottom... sounds like me (or what I wish to be, hee hee!)

So off to the hair saloon after work.

And with the sheer genius of my stylist friend, there I was, looking good again.

I felt totally young and refreshed.

Feel my energy is renewed and my smile came back to a girlish grin!!

Step out of the saloon, I felt many eyes looking at me,

saw people giving me second glance...

it is either the hairstyle or the re-born spirit that was unleashed from

the strands of hair snipped.

This will last for at least 2 months before the outcropping starts again.

But at least I have 2 months of the look-good feeling!!

One year on.... (almost)

2010-09-16T13:50:00.003+08:00

Didn't feel like a year... seriously.

Time really flies.

I'm still here, doing something, trying to do something...

Had a brush with the enemy, but I controlled myself...

not wanting to stoop down that low.

Eid has come, another year of reflections of what I've done...

My girl's condition is now more stable.. she's responding well to her meds.

Now we are trying to wean her off the steroids.

Mom and dad... ahh.

What can I say?

I'm living my life the best way I know and can...

Mom and dad... the unending drama in my life!

Going to NYC this december.

My niece is coming along with us.

Hope everything will go well.

I told her that only lodging is provided, everything else will be on our own.

Only God knows what and how my hubby is doing for himself.

I have, kind of, let go...

I need strength to let go...

Only God knows......

Wonder what is in store for me in the future.....

A New Start

2009-12-24T10:27:00.004+08:00

I recently transferred back to main office. In Oct in fact.
I requested the transfer and was readily accepted by my GM.
Though it has been refreshing, I still reminisce my time in Sbldg.

Lots of things happened after I left.
And the latest one is A's resignation.
I know that like most of the boys, he also felt like I had abandoned him.
And to make things worse, there was no replacement for my position.
Therefore, he had to take up most of my responsibility.

I don't blame him for leaving. Many times I asked him if he's angry.
His reply was "I'm angry with the mgmt, not you!"
I feel relieved, but sad at the same time.
So when he confided in me about his resignation, I was half-heartedly happy for him.
He deserves more, and he can do more for himself.
He felt like he was stuck in a rut and therefore all the more he should make a move.
I told him that. I made the move because of my unhappiness with the situation.
It's been a positive change and I'm happier now, though it's quite a challenge to be doing things on your own.

Also, now there will be no more 'competition' with J.
She has been wanting to fill my position since I left, trying her best to win over the boys.
I let her be as I'm not there anymore.
The boys have all been good to me while I was there.
And even now still happy to see me when we ran into each other in main office.

A's leaving will make another impact to a gaping hole left behind by me.
Some have came up to me and commented on the 'loss' in Sbldg.
I had to put on a brave face and say well that's life.
Deep down inside I'm sad to see things going south like this.
But what to do? I can only watch and see.
I'm in no position to stop the change.
And change is inevitable.

I had dinner date with A, a month ago.
We had many things to catch up on.
It's really been a long time since we really talked.
Dinner was great. We had a long walk after dinner.
It was nice and refreshing.
And we are still good friends.

I'm glad to have worked in Sbldg for the last 2 years.
It has not been a waste of time. I've no regrets.
I've learnt many things, in both work and personal level.
And the boys just make my life more colourful and rewarding.
Thanks guys!! I do miss all of you.
Thanks for all the wonderful memories.

Closure

2009-03-14T00:22:00.002+08:00

Many things happened over the last few months...
S-bldg closure.. foreman Z accident.. foreman T retrenchment...manager JJ sent back to Japan...

many things...
somehow it has been many bad things (except for the JJ sent home, alas!!) after another.
I develop some understanding with manager TT, and now on more common ground with A.

Yesterday, A told me straight into my face, twice.
"I care about you. I care about YOU!"
I laughed it off, and felt relieved that he said so.
At least it is out in the open. He cared, and I don't feel bad or giggly or dazed...
Neither did he.

We are matured adults, who happen to like each other and respect each other well.
He stopped being shy and moody.
And finally, after several months of awkwardness, we suddenly feel comfortable with each other again.
The whole weight was lifted off his shoulder, it seems. He smiled more openly and readily.
He is relaxed and relieved that I took it all in a stride.
I'm glad that he said what he said. This is so that he knows that I don't bite him off
nor behave all google-eyed on him.
He finally see that it's ok to care about someone deeply without turning it to romance or scandal.
We are adults... I like people to tell me that they care about me...
I won't go googoo gaagaa over him like a school girl.
I'm a married woman who is in touch with herself and her feelings.
I'm able to accept love without making it awkward.

I'm glad it is out in the open. He is happy and I am happy.
We will not be foolish to throw our lives away just because we care about each other.
We are just glad that we do care about each other enough to respect each other's space.
And we are comfortable enough to work together even better than before.

I'm glad this relationship has come full circle, a closure to the unanswered questions.

I'm only sad that our time will come to an end soon with the closing of S-bldg.

Little Sister

2009-03-01T00:08:00.005+08:00

Last night I was questioned by my big brother of my whereabouts.
He ends it with a "merayap aje kau" and a disapproval look on his face.

I'm 36 years old, and a mother of a 10yr old kid.
Why am I being question as if I'm a 16 year old teenager.
It's a wonder why my brother, who loves spending time with his friends,
is now questioning my morale values just because I'm out with my girlfriends.
And for goodness sake, I was out to run errant and then for supper, only.
It's not like I'm parading across town, with toyboys on both arms, and
with a champagne glass in my hand.
The worse part of all, this happened in front of my girlfriends.

Sometimes, I wonder when do big brothers, mothers & fathers stop treating us like children.
I was disappointed with my brother for doing what he did.
He should know me better, and not get influenced by my mom, who is
constantly complaining about me whenever she sees that I have a life outside the house.

Sometimes, I just feel like leaving Singapore. Just pack my bags and leave without
thinking of the things or consequences I would be leaving behind.
I'm tired of doing the 'right' things, to fulfil to someone elses needs.
How about my needs?
Has any of them think about Me before they demand on Me?
I guess they see me as the one to meet their demands and their needs,
and by forsaking me as a person or a human being.

Last night, I told off my brother that I'm no longer his Little Sister.
Till today he has not replied me.
I hope for his sake that he realised what he did was wrong.

2009-02-25T02:19:00.002+08:00

Jason Mraz with I'm Yours (in true original form)
follow this link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irSklXqsXBo

Updates & Upgrades

2009-02-25T01:52:00.004+08:00

I have not been updating my blogs recently.
All this is becos I'm finding it hard to write.
I have many outlets to express myself at work, and therefore
i do it at work.

However there are many frustrating things about expressing myself at work.
Like in a recent training i attended, someone new (a co-worker) pointed out to me my flaws;
my directness in saying anything and everything, and it is uncomfortable to him cos I also
spoke about my boss openly.

I think i really need to learn to reserve my opinion abt him only to close friends...
those who share the same sentiment with me, and experienced the same frustrations and
annoyance generated by him.

Somehow, i still need a lot of practice in this. Becos, everyday I have fellow colleagues, either
from within or external sections, complaining to me how they've been wrongly accused, shouted at, made frustrated by, etc, etc, by my boss.

And through this, i keep a list of all the stupid things my boss has done...
and it is a long list....

I think it is time i set the list on fire, and focus on better-ing my self.
I don't want to clog my life with negative energy.
Its about time i upgrade and update.

PS: need to keep the fire fighters on standby just in case the fire gets too big, since its
really a very long list.

Green Eyed Monsters

2009-01-22T19:24:00.002+08:00

I've been bitten by the green eyed monster.

What happen was, I went all green and purple when J decided to stay over in the chalet with A.
I was furious... J knows it, and she did not apologized.

Serves me right. Who do you think you are?

For once, I need to see ME in a sun-lit room with big mirrors that cover every inch of me.
Wake UP!!

something's gotta give

2008-12-14T12:41:00.002+08:00

this is something i wouldn't do everyday in singapore.
but here i am in NY doing it daily.
not expecting to do this on vacation, but i have too, i've no choice...
i'm commuting daily in NY, not to Manhattan, but to the county hospital.
Not for shopping as i've planned, but to visit my husband in ICU.
it has taken a toll on me and my daughter.. both of us tired after every visit..
tired of answering calls, listening to strangers telling us to be strong...
putting up appearances for relatives who suddenly declare themselves as family..
telling me what "family decision" is for now and trying to run my life...
i'm not enjoying this trip at all...
and this is not because of my hubby is sick, but because of the lies & empty promises
others make just to sound good and honorable.. as if!
i seriously do not know what to do next...
suddenly my life is on unchartered waters... and i have no map to guide me through...
my girl wants to go home, back to sgp... i feel that way too.
but i can't abandon my husband, and he will not comeback with us too...
we are just in different path right now and neither one wants to give up.
one day, but not today, we will have to make a decision...
it maybe painful, but necessary, to keep us both sane.
right now I'm TIRED.. seriously TIRED...

Where am I?

2008-12-11T08:52:00.004+08:00

Where am I? I'm still in a dazed.
Landed in JFK, but cannot find my hubby.
Called him, he did not pick up the phone.
Then try again, finally he picked up, and then I looked up from fumbling with my coat and all, saw him walking slowly towards us.
He looked sick, very sick. He came with a friend to pick us up.
We quickly got into the car and left the airport.
Goodness, he looked really sick. He can't breathe, constantly panting and breathing hard, and coughed as if fighting for his breath.
Came back to a cold apartment. The central furnace is down, and the place is freezing.
I can't imagine living in cold apartment. I can't begin to imagine him living like this. But this is his reality.
I hate the situation now. He is sick, and now is admitted to Jamaica Medical Centre, down at VanWyck.
He grew thin, very thin. Just looking at him lying there in the hospital bed, I felt miserable, angry and very sick.
I hate him for putting us in this situation. I wish he would just come home with us.
As usual, it is out of the question, and is not a solution to him.
I just cannot pretend to understand him anymore. I'm tired of trying to make things work.
His family just looked at me in a bad light. None of them knew what is going on.
All they have to say is I have to stay with him, and I have no good reason to be away from him.
They cannot begin to understand what is going on. And I am not able to make them understand.
Only he can, and he won't.
Why is life so complicated? I tried and tried, and now I'm at my wits end to make this work.
God, please help me, please help us... If ever we are in Your sight, please do make things better.
I really can't see the light, and I'm really lost...
I really need Your help this time........

I'm Leaving on a Jetplane...

2008-12-07T01:08:00.002+08:00

I'm leaving tonight, in exactly 22hrs...
I'm leaving with a heavy heart.
It seems a part of me is left behind, and i hate this feeling.
All i can see is the uncertainty waiting for me...

Why do i feel this way you might ask, well to cut the story short..
its becos of that one person...
I hate that one person, i can't and have nothing to apologize...
I'm trying very hard to not think, but it gets harder everytime..
I really wish for my life to be simple, but now its complicated...
I do what i can to control the situation, but that one person is like a vortex
that just pulls me in without me knowing or even moving...

I hate that one person, really, really hate that one person..
I really hope to dis-proof that one person's theory of life!!

Time to Move On

2008-10-30T22:39:00.002+08:00

I think it's time to move on.

Somehow I feel abused, used, neglected and scorned.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's others. I don't know.

But maybe I'm selling myself short by tolerating these people.

That's why I feel it's time for me to move on.

Don't want to be at the losing end anymore.

That ole boring feeling

2008-10-25T22:11:00.003+08:00

Ooh! I'm bored!

I slept all morning, woke up just to get me some breakfast, then fall asleep again.
Thank goodness my girl knows how to make her own breakfast.

I'm dead tired after a long week of hard work.

At the same time, I'm re-thinking abt my theory on my subordinates.
I guess that maybe I'm over-reacting or maybe my hormones make me go haywire.

And Friday morning I woke up with a smile on my face.
Had a "wonderful" dream. Very interesting, cos I end up looking forward to come to work.
What a way to start woke on Friday! Hmmm, yummy....!

Anyway, that's my secret.

Now I'm bored. Don't know what to do with all this time that I have.
Guess, I was so busy and getting used to the routine, now when I find myself with my own time I'm at lost!

So what did I do today?
Woke up at 2pm and did some chores.
Left home @3pm, settle my bill and then go Vivocity, with the intention to buy shoes.
Yeah! I got my shoes, very pretty and very high (2-1/2inches) wonderful shoes!!
Happy to get pretty shoes that I can fit at one try. What a booster to my ego.

Now I'm back home, still thinking about my super-sub, the distraction.
Wonder what 26yr old men do on weekends. He always tell me that he is a very boring guy,
just do boring things or sometimes not do anything at all.
I told him I have interesting things to do, but cannot do with him, hee!! Naughty girl!

Anyway, now I'm bored. I'm looking forward to work just to get "distracted", you know what I mean?

Hmm... my dreams..... Yummy!!!

Anger management

2008-10-22T20:44:00.002+08:00

Angry, angry at men, at myself, my daughter, my parents, and my bosses.

I'm tired of trying to please them, while feeling like i'm losing myself.

I'm tired of having to take care of them, just to ensure that no one is let down!

I'm tired of having to smile while i'm crying inside!

I'm tired of feeling guilty for snapping at someone at work.

I'm tired of people telling me what to do as if I don't know what's best for myself.

I'm tired of keeping my emotion in check, so that others can trampled all over it.

I only got myself to blame, cos all these can only happen when I let it bother me.

I'm gonna start right now to not care, not bother and not please everyone.

It is time to take care of myself, once and for all.

I'm not a mat for everyone to step all over.

I'm gonna run my life the way I want it.

GET IT!?

What Tangled Web We Weave....

2008-10-17T22:47:00.005+08:00

What's going on now? I don't know how to describe.
Firstly, a friend J and another friend A has stopped communicating whatsoever.
This friend J is hurt and baffled by what is happening and therefore asked me what's going on.

Uh, uh! I don't want to hurt anyone too, so i said that maybe the other friend is just busy and
has many things going at the same time.
Actually i know that the friend A is actually really busy and does have many things on his mind. And one of those "things" is me, he told me himself.
He is divided between what he wants and what he needs. Not me of course!
But in regards to me, as a friend and a boss.
He does not wish to leave the company, and he is pretty happy working together with me.
But he also knows that there is no prospect in the company. And he is getting restless, and I can sense it few days before he actually told me of his decision.
He still teases me by saying that he may not leave, but may leave earlier than me (whatever!!).
I was confused and upset. So I spoke to our friend J.

Friend J tried to console me, but somehow friend J becomes sensitive to friend A's behaviour.
She felt hurt that he did not confide in her, but instead confided in me only.
She also mention about how different friend A treats me and her.
I don't know what to say to J. I do not wish to hurt her feelings.
Yes, he may be utterly nice to me, in fact we are so close that many thought that he was my PA.
And this come straight from J. I'm not sure is she jealous or just being too sensitive.

I tried talking to her about it, but somehow it comes to the same conclusion, which is
"please enjoy the privilege you're getting while he is still around, okay!" I just don't want to get into the quarrel.
I'm upset but I can't tell J or A, as I don't want to make things worse.
I know A treats me well, but I'm also his boss.
I'm not saying that he is not sincere, but that he is really a nice guy, very handy and helpful to have around.
As much as i'll be on a losing end to lose him, i can't be selfish. I can't bring myself to be selfish, while keeping his ambition and dreams brushed to the side.

What a tangled web we weave, when colleagues become friends.
I have many to lose, and nothing to gain either way.

I think J is just hurt that she's not treated the same way that i'm being treated by A.
And A is also not making it easier for me. He has given me a different look now.
I catch him looking at me several times during a separate lunch (don't know why, but he didn't want to sit with us!)
He answers me with definite answers and while staring deeply into my eyes.
I can catch some glint and hint of smile during the meetings and discussion (as if we share secrets).
And he gave a fake smile while I joke around with the other guy-colleagues.
J notices all this, but she should know that I'm married and she is engaged, right!
We are in no position to be fighting over this guy!

As for me, I try my best to ignore his gazes and smiles, and his hints.
The only thing that I can make sense of all this is:-
his departure is due to me and maybe how he feels when he's around me.
I think he knows that it's NOT wise to stay around.
I'm not trying to flatter myself, but others have noticed the way he behaves around me.
Even my own daughter can see the difference the way he talks to J and the way he talks to me.

I do not wish to be in such position.
I just wish things were like before,
before all these complication sets in.
I wish he stays on and work with me.
I wish, I wish ....

Slip Sliding

2008-10-12T11:46:00.002+08:00

Wheesh!! Slipped and fell.

Why you may ask, well .....

If I'm not careful I just might slip down that slope (the one everyone has been cautioning me about).
It's scary and exciting at the same time.
But this kind of thrill will not last and it is a very dangerous one, to begin with.
Anyway, I will try as hard as possible to hold myself back and not go down that slope.

I will, I can And I ..... OK, I will try hard.

i'm only human

2008-09-11T21:55:00.007+08:00

It's been awhile since i blog.
I've been very busy with work and what-not.
I'm so tired to the core, that at times i need distraction.
Distraction I have is in the form of a younger subordinate.
And before you go wild with your thoughts, hold your horses.
Nothing fishy or funny is going on.

I just like to think (kind of delusional right now) that this young thing actually admire me as a strong, smart lady boss.
I know I'm flattering myself, well no one is doing it, so let me pacify myself.
You know the kind of feeling you get that someone is secretly watching you, but turn away as soon as you look at him. Well that's the look i'm getting.

I flatter myself by thinking that he admires me, hmmm.........
It's kind of funny, cos at times the conversation we have, can end up with some incoherent words that he mumbles under his breath.
And these words are not to be use lightly (they're not vulgar either), and that makes me wonder what's going on.

Just like the other day, while I was editing his SOP, I told him to do such and such to be clear with the instructions.
His reply was, "never mind, don't care lah, I don't care but I _ you!"
The moment it slip out his mouth, I turn and asked him to repeat.
He replied that it's gone with the wind.
I don't understand it at times, cos he is a brazen fella, who speak up against anyone, even the bossy old manager.
But when it comes to me, he will mumble and speak under low voice,
like trying to, i don't know, conceal his feelings.
He will do things like taking time to wait for me, and get me all kinds of songs i like.
He is patient with me and indulges my incessant talking & nagging, and at times, scolding.
I told him not to butter me up, but he says it's becos "you're beautiful" (and singing it).
I used to blush when he does that, but nowadays I try to get him to talk it out.
But all i'm met with is a wall of chinese songs (sung by him, of course!)

The last few days have been different at work. No distraction cos he's gone for ICT.
So for the next 2.5 weeks I have to bear the hectic days without my distraction to help me get through the long days.
I have other minor distractions, but they are really good friends & subordinates who cheer up my days.
But i miss my distraction, Andreiyevgeny.
Cos' I'm only human.

Changes, again ....

2008-05-06T22:47:00.003+08:00

Last week, I was told I'll be getting a new boss.
This is just another layer between me and my manager.
This fella which I knew from my first job in production is gonna be
my boss, again.
I was feeling excited, happy, anxious and worried all at once.
This is becos I've been used to running the show with minimal supervision from my manager.
Basically, I was worried cos I know that this fella is a hands-on mgmt.
He will go down to the floor just to get the sentiment & mood of the people.

And guess what is the message he has for us?
He was told by the GM that our morale has been badly hit due to constant criticism and finger pointing.
What he didn't know is that all this is thanks to my current boss (who is the most pessimistic & the worst critic of all)!!!
These negative inputs were coming from the horse's mouth.
We didn't see ourselves in such a light and we're all surprised that we are viewed as such.

And so that was the first meeting we have with this fella.
I ended the day feeling very low, as I felt that we are no good to the extend that the GM has to assign another layer of mgmt so that we can get the job done
And I thought we were doing a good job (many people have been telling us so).

And so once again we end up having another organisation change.
Another layer of reporting and crap....
But I have to look at the bright side, maybe GM is thinking that he needs to protect us from our over-bearing manager, and thus he send this fella to shelter us from the constant negative energy that has been pouring on us.
Maybe GM knows & can see that the manager is not supporting us enough, and that he is dragging our morale down the drain instead ... maybe... maybe ...... wishful thinking!!!
I think, maybe I can convince myself to accept that explanation.
I WILL accept that explanation.
Now I have to convince my new boss to allow us to eat in the office.. heee.....!!!
What next??????

Funny.....

2008-04-28T23:23:00.003+08:00

Today, while exiting the main office, as usual the security guard stopped us to check the car.
So we were waiting for him to pop the boot, but he walked to the front and tried to pop the hood instead.
I looked at my colleague and he looked back.
We were both wondering what this fella was trying to do.
We signalled to him, but he didn't noticed. So my colleague honked him.
He looked up with a blur face. We pointed to the back of the car.
He looked more confused and start walking to my side of the car.
We wind down the window and told him the boot is at the back.
He still looked confused.
Then suddenly it strike him that the boot IS at the rear of the car, thus he walked to the back.
But then he was struggling, unable to open the boot.
He don't know where the handle is!
When he finally got it, he opened and shut the boot door immediately.
We drove off, laughing our heads all the way back to East office.
Funny!!!!

That Light-headed feeling

2008-04-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

Today, my lightheaded-ness return.
I was gigglish, cracking jokes, and simply get carried away with myself.

Started the day with getting my hubby to call me at work.
This is to proclaim that I'm still married, and happily at it, too.
Don't know why, but I had to do this once in a while.
So my hubby called at the precise time that I instructed, and I started
the day at work flirting with my hubby on the phone for ~30mins.

After that, somehow I sensed that the mood at work was more relaxed.
The flirtatious young guy was a bit muted.
I guess he was eavesdropping on my conversation with my hubby.
I got a sense of relief that I finally feel not stupid anymore, after yesterday's blunder.

My dearest hubby, very attentive when we're far apart.
He listens to my complains, my neurotic thoughts, even my very, very
naggy moods don't turn him off.
I guess distance makes him very patient.

My light-headed ness started when suddenly I was invited for lunch,
and then again for tea-break.
I was trying to act cool, not wanting to show this fella my grin from ear to ear... heee!
It's not that I have feelings for him, it's just that it's flattering to have
someone giving me his full attention.
Actually I've been getting spoilt by the guys at work.
I don't know if its becos of my position or becos I'm the only female around.
I'm not trying to take advantage of my position.
But it's fun when these guys pamper me around.
Really feel like the Queen bee.
My hubby says its because I'm the Queen among the Kings.
I called it Queen among the subjects....heee... very cruel........!!

I guess the guys don't mind.
I don't order them around much, most of the work comes effortlessly
when people are willing to walk the ground with you.
I guess that's why I'm feeling light-headed at work.
It is knowing that your people trust you and know that you are listening
and having their interest at heart and sincerely care for them.
I'm glad I win over their trusts.
It really makes my work easier.
Anyway ...
You can't be a leader if you have no one to lead.

Temptation vs Age

2008-04-23T23:59:00.003+08:00

Recently, i've started to receive some nice praises at work.
Not from my Boss, but from one of the subs.
Naturally, i try my best to be humble (i am humble, lah!).
I told him not to 'polish my boots', cos' i'm not that kind of person.
But, as usual, it falls on deaf ears.
As days go, it gets pretty hard to ignore, b'cos it gets flirtatious at times.
As you know, these single guys feel 'safe' flirting with married women, cos
they think that we're happily married.
But we women are also human with feelings, therefore, when the mood is right
(or in this case, WRONG) some how we get swayed by all these unwanted attentions.
So this guy, who is 10yrs younger than me, ask me if i wanted to catch James Blunt's gig
in May, I nearly flipped!!!
Yah, all those attention was fun, but I seriously doubt if he actually went too far.
I should not flatter myself, cos this guy may only be thinking of me as an older 'sister'
and nothing else. But i really nearly jump out of my skin.
Then I realised that he meant whether I want some tickets as he is going to buy some for
himself and his friends.
Lo!!! And I thought I still have it!! HEEeeee. The joke is on me....!!!!????????

Anyway, I'm not going to some gig where there are young people jumping up and down,
while old me, just trying to focus my poor eyesight on James Blunt...
So pathetic.
I didn't know how old I feel until last Sat, when I walk thru Clarke Quay, and totally
felt out of place.
The last time I pass through that place, it was maybe 5 yrs back.
But somehow, i've aged. Maybe mature, lah, ha!
Never in my life I felt so old and so out of place.

Well, like the title of this blog, temptation is everywhere,
but age is always there to remind us of how old we are.
Well my birthday is coming.
But it really feels like deathday is coming nearer too.. heee heee!!!!

Sticky Matter

2008-02-10T00:09:00.000+08:00

Some sticky matter that I had to overcome during the last few weeks.
I didn't intend to write about it, somehow I had to, just to relieve the tension.

1) I hate going to JB. I don't like the feeling of being alone in that country.
It's not that I'm alone ( I have my daughter with me).
It's just that I miss my hubby, cause we use to do this together.
I don't like being reminded that he's away.
My parents, esp. my mom, sometimes try to get me to send them to JB or KT.
I don't like it. Then when I refuse, I will start to feel guilty and pressured by my conscience.
I hate that. I hate to be forced to do something I really cannot do.
They don't seem to understand.
I have to be in the right set of mind to go to somewhere that I'm trying to avoid.
And this "somewhere" is my feeling of loneliness & helpless-ness.
THEY just don't get it!

2) At work, we are currently busy with Budget, and yet somehow I'm stuck with it alone.
It does not help that there are 2 person to do the job.
It does not help when the other fella who does not know how to do the job,
but somehow do not even have the interest to learn it.
And it does not help when my boss himself complains to me about this other fella.
Hey look Boss, we are both your subordinates.
I have no right to tell him off for you.
You have every right to do it yourself, without confiding in me of your trouble with him.
And it is really unfair when you end up loading everything on me, just cos' you can't get your other subordinate to do the work.
I'm tired of the excuses such as, I don't know, I'm not production man, I'm busy with other projects (SMT, etc).
Look, just because I let you (the other fella) get away with not doing the monthly planning and everything else with production, that does not mean you don't have to do the work FOREVER!!!!
Wake up!! Your upgrading is not based on your merits, but it is out of pity sake!
Can't you get the hint when the boss say he cannot promote you cos you're not doing any production work! Get it?

3) Aahh!!! The fights at home. The struggle between the young and the old.
My daughter whacked my dad on the head the other day.
She was angry with him for asking the same question too many times
and then doubting her answer.
He kept repeating and doubting her till she got very pissed and she hit him on the head with a piece of cardboard.
Then she got into quarrel with me, and that's when she slapped my hand.
I was shocked! Then my mom told me of what she did to my dad. I was furious with her.
But then mom told me that he was taunting her as usual, and making my girl very angry.
So i told my dad to stop doing such things cos it makes my daughter to be rude to him instead.
He shouted at me and said things that were totally unrelated but personal.
He didn't have to mention those things, but then as usual he blurted out things whenever he's angry.
So, I controlled my temper, punished my daughter, and stopped talking to my dad altogether.
I had to. I don't wish to be rude to him, and I don't want to go into a shouting match with him.
So I put a stop to everything.
Everyone has to be punished; for my daughter by taking her PSP & handphone.
As for my dad by stop talking to him.
I've done my part to keep the balance between the young and the old.
Guess what, it's the middle-aged me who nearly go crazy!!!!

I'm stuck.
I feel like Homer Simpson, hanging on a rope and being flung between a rock and a hard place.

Living Life to the Max or just Choosing to Live?

2007-11-16T20:09:00.000+08:00

What's the difference you might ask.
Some may say that I'm living life to the max, so what's wrong with that.
What they fail to see is I chose to LIVE (whether to the max or not, is depend on individual yardstick).
Who are we to judge others? We can only see the surface, we don't carry the load
or burden of those we see?
Neither do we really know the extend of our Islam is in the eyes of Allah?
Some people pray in solitude and do not show the extend of their faith to how society may perceive as best Muslimah practices.
It is best that we leave the judging to Allah swt.
This is to PREVENT us from feeling arrogant.
Only Allah swt knows what lies in the hearts of men.
Men are lesser creatures, we know nothing but the surface of things.

what's going on?

2007-11-01T23:45:00.000+08:00

yup, it's been 1 full month since the last entry.
been kinda busy with life & work.
now, i need time to just recollect & reflect what has passed.

now, work is a breeze, though still high risk.
but we're getting along fine, the boys & me.
had to put my foot down for few instances, but then they
know i mean business when it comes to work.
all else is okay.

i feel grateful, truly grateful that i'm still managing my life fine.
i visited people during festive seasons, and realise how truly blessed
my life is.
i also felt humbled by the courage of my aunt who's still living
with liver cancer. i felt hapless watching another relative, dying of lung cancer.
it was a deep contrast.
the aunt is a poor lady in her sixties, living in an old flat, widowed, and taking care of her sickly father. her children, 2 boys, aged 20 and 21, still living with her.
she tells me that sometimes she don't have money to pay for medicines,
and the doctor is telling her to go for further treatments.
the doc gave her 6 mths to live, and that was a year ago.
I felt humbled by her courage. she still keep the house running on whatever
little money that she has. and she still smiling and laughing.
i know that smile, and i know the sadness behind that laughter.
and i also know that we should not surrender until our last breath.
she asked if me and my sis are fine, we answered yes.
i don't wish to bog her down with details.
afterall, i was visiting, she's supposed to be the one needing cheering up.

the other lady i met is a younger one, @ forty. she has 3 kids, living in a big house
and have both parents healthy enough to take care of her.
she is weak from the pain & post op. she has everything, a loving husband,
2 grownup kids, both independent, and the last 1 still in pri. school.
her days are numbered, but then filled with love by her family, cousins and friends.
she has a resigned look on her face, it was sad to see her like this.
she was vibrant, and sweet. but now she's frail, and she looks so sad.
i guess it's b'cos she has a lot going for her, good things, like family and love ones.
and that's why she desperately trying to live, but with the death look in her eyes.

it was irony, the one who possess little and living meagrely is still living, and
smiling and not surrendering to the pain & sadness.
and yet, the one with everything going for her is surrendering and dying
painfully.
i wonder which road i'll be going. my time has not come to suffer yet.
i know it's inevitably near, but i can't go the other way.
I refuse to be the one who surrenders and die.
I want to exit this life, "alive" & kicking.
Will I be able to? only Allah knows!

Woah!! Garang seh!

2007-10-01T21:01:00.000+08:00

Last Thurday my sabar-bubble burst!
Last week was a super-busy week. We had ISO/TS16949 audit for 3 days.
On top of that it was time for the half-year stock take.
And on top of that it was month end.
Also, it was MBO reporting time and PA time.
And to TOP it of, I had to handle both lines audit, stock take & month end.

So it was Thursday, audit completed successfully with no findings.
But because of stock take, material ordering had to be completed before the cut-off time.
The slow fella started his schedule at 8.30am. He is supposed to complete before 2pm so that the GLs can summarise and order before cut-off at 2.30pm.
HE was so busy confusing himself that he was still scratching his brains out at 11.30am
without any real progress to the schedule.
I was at my wits end. My patience was running out, like water down thirsty throat.
Finally I left the room and stand outside.
He came running after me, telling me to come back to his side and help him with the schedule.
I was sick to the stomache, I almost broke my fast because of him.
I calm down and ask him "Do you still want to do the schedule? How long more must I coach you on the schedule? You have been doing the schedule longer than I did, and yet you still cannot make the schedule. So do you want to do the schedule or not?"
His reply "I want to, but my brain is blocked and I cannot think. Please help.
I still need you to coach me"
Then I ask him, "How long more to coach you? Time is running out today. And I do not wish to coach you anymore. So please tell me whether you still want to do the schedule?"
He finally decided that he did not want to continue with the schedule.
So I told him, "From now on, I'll take over the schedule, but you must be out of the office and let me do it alone. I don't wish to coach you anymore, I just want to start the takeover of the job. So please leave the room while I do my work."
He look at me bewildered, " But i want to learn from you, why can't I sit beside you and watch?"
I told him again that I'm finished with coaching him. And I left it at that.
I walked back to office, and sit down to do my work, with him in tow. When he still refused to move, I had to politely ask him to leave the room. He hesitated, but finally leave.
And I was left with 2 hours to plan the weeks schedule.
I finally completed it, and in record time, at 1.30pm.
When I called the GLs to tell them that the schedule is ready, they were so relieved.
No one could have guessed that I completed the task in 1.5hrs. They were so used to seeing him doing the same task over several days, and with OT hours just to complete the week's schedule!
I'm no Superwoman. I'm not trying to gloat either, but he is just too slow and with no common sense and no confidence to perform the work.
So on last Thursday, 27th Sept 2007, I finally took over the helm of X-bldg.
The foreman & GLs then came over and congratulate me for being able to complete the task in record time, and with no hassle.

I felt Garang, seh! Not for completing the schedule, but for finally chasing him out of the office.
Heee.........!

Hell-o (Part 2)

2007-09-13T20:24:00.000+08:00

It's been an interesting week. I made the transition from Water person
to Organic person.
I guess the volatile fluid did get to my brain, eventually.

Let's recap.
On Monday, I had to go from Main bldg to Ex bldg @ 0930hrs.
Waited for my new boss, Jap guy, and as usual he kept me waiting almost 15 mins.
After that, did exactly nothing except hang around, looking at the Bodoh boy
do the schedule. Surprisingly, his speed improved by 10%, but his focus improved
by none. His communication still vulgar (he actually use at least 2 words in every sentence he utters, even at time burst out in singular vulgarity.) I believe his vocab is limited, that's why.

Tuesday, I was doing almost exactly as Monday, except that more vulgarity was registered
than Monday.
At around 3pm, was informed that we had to prepare for index meeting on Wed.
Bodoh boy lamented that I will not be home on time, but I told him my target is still set
at 5.30pm.
We managed to meet the target (no thanks to the slow toad).
I can't believe anyone can be so full of himself and constantly condemning others.
His output for the whole day was 1 schedule & 1 index report.

Wednesday was funny.
I left him stranded at Ex bldg, then got message from him that the Jap boss
wants me to "strongly support" him to do the index report (which was completed
the day before).
I didn't respond, but then met them only after lunch during the 2nd part of index meeting.
However, my GM finally spoke to me and asked me abt my new assignment.
I said everything was okay, I noticed many changes and improvement made to the Ex bldg.
I've nothing much to say to him, anyway.
I did my presentation, and then attended the 2nd part of meeting to watch Bodoh boy present his. As usual, everything went ok, and the day ended as such.

Today was no different. I don't know how long I can tahan without doing any actual work.
It seems that Bodoh boy don't wish to handover his work to me.
He still believe that he is doing a good job and that he has support from his subordinate.
How dense can someone be? He just refuse to see the truth.
Like what my Jap boss say abt Bodoh boy, "He wants to stay, but cannot stay."
However, for my case, I don't want to go there, but still I have to go.
Well that's life at Ex bldg.

Hell-o Here I Come!

2007-09-06T19:17:00.000+08:00

Hell, that's how I view it. But hey, this is a great opportunity to prove myself.
A woman of substance can always overcome adversity, right?
Yeah, right... I'm still having a hard time convincing myself.
Yesterday, at the canteen, I ran into the GM. When he sees me he smiled sheepishly,
like a naughty boy that's up to no good. But I just smiled back and greet him.
I guess he's waiting for me to confront him, but then, I'm not going to let him
win this war. I'll show him what I got and prove that I can do it!

Yeah, right.... again.I'm halfway up the confidence ladder,
still hanging on tipped toes, anticipating that I might fall any minute,
or the ladder might just give way under my weight.
But what the hech, I'll just have to ride along with the tide.

No point worrying about it.

BE POSITIVE!!!

Hee hee...........................................Ouch! Just stub my toe again!
Reality is hard to avoid!

Re-assignment to Hell

2007-08-23T20:41:00.000+08:00

Today, my boss just informed me of my re-assignment to S-Bldg.
S-bldg is the prod line that caught fire the other day during my temp support.
Thanks to the Jpn GM having no confidence with the current group, he wants me
to takeover that problem line so that he can leave Sgp with a peace of mind.

But what about my peace of mind?
This position is not for woman, the whole team there are men.
If 3 men cannot control the prod line, how abt me?
And the risk of fire & explosion, and the solvent used in that line
is really hazardous for health & lives.

I turned down the job, but he still insist that I can do a good job.
It is not me that I'm worried about, but is the AGM that is putting me off.
His style is to interfere with everything, criticise everything and accepts nothing.
His mgmt style is to hold the prod line by the scruff and then dictate everything
single moves, and breath down every single neck.

His direction is "no direction", as he will send his men down several lanes, then scold them
for "not following the single lane". He gives instructions without understanding the consequences, and he treats his men like punching bags for him to scold, whack and then use them also as his smoking buddy. He uses people and abuses them, too.

I don't like the prospect of having to lead like puppets on strings.
My way of mgmt is way different than his, and I can foresee problems ahead.
I know the boys will be happy to see me taking the lead, but this is is like sending myself to the
butcher for slaughter.

What can I do?
I know I have to ride the waves, but I don't know how long I can hold on to the board.
I don't want to be thrown off the board, and I don't want to throw myself off the board either.
What shall I do?

Dreamers

2007-08-17T15:45:00.000+08:00

I had a sad, and rather wild dream last night.
I woke up with a lump in my throat, I nearly wept.
The dream went like this...

Somehow, I was back to when I was single and I frequently spent my time in KT.
Well, one day, my parents' friends came with their children.
They had several children, young girls & 2 boys slightly older than me.
I got to know them and we talked alot.
But there elder of the 2 boys was not too friendly.
He would just listen and smile once in a while.
Somehow I liked the elder one better.
After they left, we received some gifts & letters from the boys.
It was a nice gesture, and I was happy to receive them.

Then one day, I had to attend a wedding hosted by this family.
I met both of the boys, but then I get to know the elder one better.
We talked, and I got to like him more.
Then a storm came, and all of us had to take shelter at their home.
In the rush, I lost him among the crowds.
When things were okay, I went around looking for him.

Whenever I mention his name, his family members will look
at me strangely.
But then, the younger brother told me something
that surprises me, and it hit me like a bullet.

What he told me was,
"How do you know Abraham? Why are you looking for him?"
I answered "He was with me before...."

But then he said "He's haunting you, cause he passed away sometime ago..."

A chill ran through me. I was so saddened and bewildered by the answer.
I was shocked and frightened and sad at the same time.
I had no tears to cry, but it was the sadness that really pains me.
When I woke up, I was still having this heavy sadness in my heart.

So much for my wild imagination.

anyway, Abraham looks like Matthew McConaughey....heeee...

Nieces & Nephews . . . . .?!

2007-08-17T15:40:00.000+08:00

Hi dears,
this is to inform you that yes, I do read your blogs, and i love
every single thing about it.
The pics, the thoughts, the feelings, the side that I hardly knew,
those things that I knew, and all those things that I have yet to know about.
Don't worry, your freedom of expression should not be censored by knowing that
your aunt is reading them.
Just look at it this way, your aunt love you guys enough to take time to read
what you wrote, ok!

Love you guys always!!!!!!!!!

MMMMMMCCCCCCCC

2007-08-14T14:59:00.000+08:00

Ha! That sweet words, "Go home & rest....."
The doctor told me that I have fever, but I was not aware of it.
So what did I do? Yup, go home and rest... actually I went home
and fixed the wireless adaptor to the old PC.
Had trouble fixing it, the adaptor was not able to detect the WLAN.
Call the Prolink guys, they helped me out, but then after connection,
I was not able to link to to any website. Call MIO, they can't help either.
They gave me Microsoft helpdesk number.
I called and tell them the error code, they link me to tech person (in KL)
and then the WLAN got disconnected again.
The MS tech guy called Prolink guy, and all 3 of us had conf call.
Finally without any one of their help, I restarted my PC the 20th time,
replug the USB adaptor, and somehow I was connected and surfing again.
The MS guy sternly told the Prolink guy that something is wrong with their adaptor.
So after 2 hours hanging on the phone, I finally got to surf on this old PC again.

Ahhh, technology. Even after years of using it, we cannot run away from product
problems. All these technology somehow make me feel intimidated.
I've always been lost in IT world. Somehow I cannot get the hang of it.
Problems solved, and my fever is still high. But I can't sleep cos my brain is still
processing all these IT stuffs.
MMMMCCCCC, what sweet words these are! If only I can go to sleep now......

Noise, noise, noise

2007-08-13T23:17:00.000+08:00

My neighbour and her daughter (9yrs old) have been screaming since the time I reached home (6pm) until now. It is late okay, @ 11.10pm. And her little girl has just slammed the door.
I know that it is none of my business, but I can't help it.
About 2 months back, the noise was so unbearable that I had to called the police to check on the
girl. For 2 weeks I would hear them fighting and the girl crying & wailing like she's been raped,
or roped. When the police came, they confirmed that it was noise from the neighbour,
but then classify it as domestic dispute.
Later that day, I heard the girl screaming & shouting at the mother, but then no response from her. Then it dawn on me that the problem is the girl.
And true enough, from that day onwards, I only hear the girl's voice screaming & shouting at
her mom. She's only quiet when her dad comes home.
And now, it started again. Both mom & daughter having shouting match with each other.
Can you imagine the noise??
I can understand when family have their arguments, and once in a while, fights.
But please, not every day & night!
We are living in close proximity. Even though behind close doors, we can still hear each other.
You don't have to put much effort to listen, cos' we can & do hear things being said.
I wish the mom will just slap her silly. From the looks of it, the girl is the tyrant, and using screams & tantrums to get her way & bullying the mom.
Whenever I meet them at the corridor, I will greet the mom, and look straight at the girl.
I want her to know that we hear the noise she makes everyday.
I've ever bluntly asked the mom if she heard child screaming & shouting.
The mom naturally denies, but I can see the girl throwing a dirty look at me.
Well she can hide, but not for long. One of these days, her mom will snap, and she will
get the taste of her own medicine.
Ahhhh................... peace at last. No noise.........
I guess she's tired cos she got morning school.

Finally, peace at last ...........................................................

when there's no point to go on ......

2007-07-16T21:33:00.000+08:00

This is not a suicide note. This is frustration over work.
Apparently when the company decided to hire a person with no work experience to supervise
production, they have gone bonkers.
This new fella (6mths) slacks in every sense of the word. He lacks focus, has an attention span of a 3 yr old toddler, and behaves like a teenage brat. Even the operators are sick of his irresponsible behaviour.
Just as we are reminded everyday to not forget about safety, this idiot behaves as if he was never at the fire incident. This afternoon, when the solvent alarm went off (level 1), he pretended as if nothing happened (he was in the sheeting process). I had to step in and announce to the mixing boys to check & feedback. Within 1 min, the 2nd level alarm went off, and by this time everyone had to stop their work and listen for evacuation message. The idiot fella didn't even appear at the control room window. Luckily foreman Z was around. He went upstairs to check, and managed to contain the situation. No fire, just high level of solvent. But then there was some damage and leakage on the pipes, causing some cleanup required.
And still the idiot fella did not appear.

Finally after 10mins of fruitless waiting, I called him to the control room.
This was his reply,
He heard the alarm & announcements, but because of the paper work he was clearing
he did not feel the urgency to attend to the alarm.
He feels the urgency is for him to clear the paper work (which was due since morning but obviously delayed), cos the boss was expecting him to submit by the end of the day.

I felt sick to the stomach hearing this reply. Shit! I care more for this process than my own line, and here this fella gives me such reply.

So I told this straight to his face:
YOUR paperwork is more urgent than the explosion that might have happened???!!!
So it's ok to let the bldg explode as long as you clear your "URGENT" paper work???!

Some people have the nerve coming in to work, and yet do nothing and still get paid for it.
I have tried my best for the last 2 weeks to guide this fella so that he could pick up his work. Instead, I end up doing his work, and now leading his line for him? What is happening here?

I GIVE UP!
First thing tomorrow morning I will throw in the towel, and stop guiding him whatsoever.
It is about time that he swim or sink without me.

TIRED !!!!

2007-07-03T20:44:00.000+08:00

I'm sooo tired. Tired of all the complaints in the world. Tired of me complaining, too.
I've been repeating the same old story to everyone of my co-workers who were wondering why I'm working at the other building. Face it, the company is big, 3 different buildings separately.
Of course once in a while the boss will request to support. Isn't that what is expected of us? To be flexible? Some people just don't get it that life is not a straight road. There bound to be detours, right? Well, this is my detour. I take it as that.
Of course, I get tired for being bounce back and forth like a ball. But at least, the very least is I enjoy the change of environment. I get to see that the grass is never greener on the other side.
I get to appreciate my position better.
Sometimes, it is good to get out and see the world (even though its only 500 meters away).

Count my Blessings

2007-06-24T11:49:00.000+08:00

I went through hell on Friday. While on my assignment in the explosion proof building, the fire alarm went off. The foreman and supervisor and me all looked at each other and realise that something big is happening. Prior to this, no alarm went off to signal that system was out of control. Therefore the alarm must mean flash fire beyond control.
When we stepped out of the control room, we saw the boys running out of the changing room, still in their cleanroom uniform. They were shouting "Get out!!! Fire, Fire!!" Foreman Z rush into the C/R to check the situation. What he saw was thick black smoke coming from the 2nd Floor vestibule. He rushed down and out of the building. I was standing at the corridor when I saw foreman Z. Then I went out and looked for the smoke trace. I found it was coming from the upper floors only. I told the Facility guys, and then I left the building to check on the boys.
They were shocked and disorganised. I told them to do headcount, and they start to organise themselves. They were hysterical, and I had to command them to calm down. We confirmed that everone was out.
Then the fire trucks and rhinos arrived, followed by the police. The fire extinguishing system was auto released within 30 secs of the alarm. The fire was put out before the emergency unit arrived. But then there were still dark smoke coming out from the top. The Fire fighters went in to check and clear the building. No one was trapped inside, and no one was injured.
The top mgmt came within few minutes of the fire activation. I can see from their face the dollar signs moving in their head. This is terrible. I felt responsible cause I was the most Senior person in the Bldg when it happened.
Could I have done more, even though I was there as Mgmt Support for them? Would it be any different if had the foreman still be in the Prod area instead of the Control room where I was conducting the 5S exercise? Foreman Z could have saved the day if he was in the Prod area. Maybe he could not? Maybe the fire was too big that he tried, but could not save himself then, cos he is too brave. Maybe, he managed to put out the fire and stop the Fire Ext. System? May be, maybe, maybe.....
I have all this questions & guilt feelings, like more could have been done. Was there more can be done? I stood there looking at the smoke coming out. I looked at the boys, and realised that there was more than myself involved in this. I pity the boys, they did their best, but the blame will go to them.
I could not do more but wonder. The whole episode runs through my head again and again. I can't get it out of my system. These few days I try to find refuge, by going out with my daughter, meeting my sister to talked it out.
I have to put things in perspective. I should be glad that no lives were loss. Walls and ceilings can be fixed. No machines or equipment were destroyed. Only the facade of the Prod area were affected. Apparently, the boots and rags that caught fire were the source of the black smoke. The Fire Extinguishing system was working fine. It stopped the Fire from spreading, and the building from exploding. None of the Safety system was breached in the Fire. I have to count my blessings. What was done cannot be undone. I have to count my blessings right now.

Me Shy?!!

2007-06-17T13:30:00.000+08:00

I've never been called the shy type. I've always been the outspoken, noisy, rowdy, the 'High I' type kind of person. But sometimes i switch roles, especially when I'm in my prodn meeting where I'm the only lady there. You know, men strut their stuffs as long as there are women (no matter how unattractive or manly the woman can be) around. Sometimes, I get sick looking at these men stretching their muscles, uncompromising and displaying the 'look at me' peacock syndrome. But what to do, I'm a woman in a MEN's world.
Sometimes, I get egoistic too, cos' i feel proud for being where I am right now. Guess some of the testosterone rub on me.
But funny how I shut up when I'm in a meeting. Just last week, I had to behave like a dumb bloke, eer, blonde! All because of I had to pretend that I did not actually do the work, cos I was only supporting the new fella. But I had to swallow my comments cos' I can't make my junior look stupid infront of the boss. If he look stupid, then I look stupid, too. Anyway, it was satisfying to know that secretly you are superior than them (MEN).
I really hate those Seniors who shoots down their Juniors in front of the boss. They actually feel GREAT abt it. But what i see is stupidity on their part, cos it shows that they did not check the Juniors' work before presenting to the boss. Then they show off their 'Superior' skill exactly after the Boss commented that Juniors' work is sub-standard. They nod along and agree to the Boss. But the Boss is not fooled by this. The Boss is just pleased to know that he's working with a bunch of 'Aye-sayers'. Anyway that's male testosterone, for you!
Me, I just pretend to be shy and a bit dumb. Somehow the big Boss is please with my work, and I receive my promotion recently. Guess how things work? That's exactly how I work. I don't talk much, but the result shows. My line is so far the examplary line whenever the Boss mention 5S. Good eh? I'm very Happy, you know.
Errr. I can smell the male hormone coming out from my arm pit! Urgh!!!!

what's up (or down)

2007-06-14T21:36:00.000+08:00

Hi, funny that I had a tailspin after I wrote my first blog. I went crazy and restless, and so obvious that I frightened my junior staff. But now I'm ok.
I miss my daughter, she's at my sis place camping with her cousins. She's very happy
and excited to be with them. Guess, she feels lonely alone at home.
I spoke to my hubby. I wish that he could afford to take care of us.
I don't like to be away from him.
I miss him alot.
I'm afraid to take chances. I'm so comfortable with my life that I'm afraid of letting go
and tryout new life.
It is a big gamble to just let go, but sometimes I can't take it being alone and away
from him. I need a shoulder to lean on. I'm tired of being strong,
and being the strength for others. For once I want to be the one
in need.

what's left of it

2007-06-12T00:21:00.000+08:00

That should be the title of my biography, if I have one. The problem is I don't think I need one, cos I know out there, there are others worse off than me. Grateful to be alive, and yet grateful to know that my life is not gonna be a long one either. Right now, I'm juggling life as much as I can cope daily. Knowing that your time is almost up can make you see things in better perspective, or at least, in a different perspective. Others have told me that only Almighty knows our birth, life partner & death. These are the secret of the universe that is beyond our control. And yet when you are in the know of your life expectancy, it feels liberating. Finally I'm out of the clutches of the unknown. But I'm sad for one thing, my beautiful daughter.
She will be the only regret in my death. She's the only guilt trip that I allow myself to have.
I can only wish that she will be able to handle it when my time comes.
I know she will have to learn to cope with life and whatever that life throws at her. But I also know that she can only be sad for a while because I have prepared her for this.
I dont indulge in self pity. Actually I hate the word 'pity'. It is such a hopeless word.
It is a word which I strongly avoid in my daily conversation with others.
You know, there are many pityful souls out there who sees life in minute details, such as spoiled oranges in the supermarket, stepping on spilt ice cream, and such. Well it is a pity that they are not able to appreciate life fully. Getting angry on insignificant things is such a waste of life.
My own sisters did not appear for my wedding (that was years ago), and yet I'm still talking to them. To each his own, and if that's what makes them happy at that time, so be it.
Life is too short for me to fret over such things.
My mom wonders why I am okay with it, well it is something that I chose to do.
I told her that I chose to be happy, and stay close and comfortable with my siblings. I'm sure they have their reasons, but I don't need to know. I chose to stop counting deeds (whether good or bad). Cos, in the end, what matters is that I am happy while I'm alive. So what's left of it, is what I'm chose to make good of it.
Some may not understand, I should take sides they say. I should be angry, I should be upset. There are a whole list of 'should' things that was handed on my plate. But guess what? I chose to live, and forgive. Forget is harder (a whole different blog can be dedicated to this subject alone).
Cos remember, Life is about living, the big picture, forget about fretting on minute details.
Go out there and LIVE!